When Worry Shows Up and How to Invite It to Soften

by Ashley Cooper with Teresa Posakony

I’m talking to a 10 year-old who trusts me. I know this because he’s mentioned that I am someone that looks out for him and he appreciates that. One evening we are talking and the tone of our conversation shifts. He summons the courage to tell me something that he said has been on his mind for a while– “Please don’t talk to me about [this particular topic]. When you do, it brings up all the things I worry about, so please don’t.” He struggled to get the words out; tears bubbling up, quick breaths, his eyes avoiding me. He had to stop to gather himself. I tell him how grateful I am that he spoke up. I let him know how important it is to me to respect his request. I also don’t fully understand what the topic is that sparks his worry. We agree that he will point out if the topic comes up so that I know what to avoid. He returns to drawing and seems to be soothed by his art. It seems like the conversation was exhausting and also potentially comforting for him. I don’t want to push him to talk more at this moment, though I will likely return to it later.

I’m left confused and worried – What is it that is really bothering him? What are all those worries that he’s feeling and trying to keep at bay? And did I respond in a helpful way? Should I have asked more questions or was it good to follow his lead? I just witnessed his body showing me a strong emotional response inside of him. Seeing his distress has my own body feeling stress. I’m also activated in my desire to want to tend to the vulnerable and stressed parts of him while also respecting his request.

Worry can be contagious. Loving and caring for others brings with it heartache and confusion. We live so close to one another, our lives connected, and yet we are each on our own journey, feeling our own pain and suffering. We influence each other but ultimately have no control of another person’s inner experience or what they decide to or not to do. And worry isn’t just connected to our direct relations. With a compassionate and empathetic heart comes a tendency to extend our concern, stress, and preoccupation with the wellbeing of others to individuals and groups of people we don’t personally know.

These days, there are so many opportunities to worry— about the past, the present, or the future. It only takes one stressful thought to activate a loop of other stressful thoughts. Before we know it, we are on board a worry train where worried thoughts gain speed and our minds are racing with all the things, people, or situations we’re concerned about. As my young friend said, it brings up all the other worries.

A Deeper Look into What Worry Is and Some Ways to Respond

Worry is a type of emotional arousal; there is brain activity, nervous system reactions, and physiological responses. Our body, mind, and heart start to circle around concerned thoughts, tense body postures, and/or literal heart aches as we feel the emotions. It can be a slow build or instantaneous, but when worry takes hold of us it can feel like racing along on a worry train.

Worrying involves using a powerful tool of the mind – our imagination. Our imaginations and minds help us make sense of the world. With imagination we do things like create meaning from experiences, spark creative ideas, and make plans. Also, when things feel uncertain, unpredictable, scary, or chaotic, our minds use imagination to try and predict or imagine certainty of what will happen. When these imaginations are outcomes we consider negative, it invokes the feeling and state of worrying. When we over-focus on imagined worries, our imagination is creatively catastrophizing. And often one worry will bring to mind other worries, and the train is off and running.

Our body gives us clues that we have boarded a worry train. Clues such as:

Worries pop into our mind at night, making it hard to fall asleep
Our bodies are tense or we feel stressed or edgy
It’s hard to focus, we are easily distracted or forget the task at hand
Breathing is shallow, maybe even holding ones breath

Sometimes there aren’t explicitly worrisome thoughts, but the feeling of being worried is running under the surface. The body is expressing it through tension and stress responses. When the body is activated in this way, it is unable to access all of the brain’s wisdom to discern what actions to take.

Stress loops happen in our mind, emotions, and body. A stress loop can be recurring thoughts, a feeling that won’t go away, or ongoing muscle tension or shallow breathing. When our thoughts get stuck in a stress loop, so does our body.

Sometimes it can feel overwhelming to try and stop the loops, to bring the worry train to a halt. Thankfully, there are simple mind-body practices that we can use to support ourselves during these challenging times. As more oxygen gets to the brain, a person is able to think more clearly. Movements that are restorative or mental practices that send relaxing signals can actually shift a worried thought (or make room for totally new thoughts to enter). Intentionally choosing to notice my inner experience and spend a few moments caring for my body, thoughts, and nervous system is a gift to myself and those around us.

Experiment with different types of practices to learn which ones work best for you and your body’s unique ways of being. You might like to repeat a word or phrase during some situations and prefer to move your body in other situations. Here are 4 practices you can try.

Ease Keys™ Practices to Soothe and Calm Worry

Use a Simple Phrase to Name and Acknowledge an Emotion.

Name the emotion (worry).
Use the phrase, “I feel (worried) and that’s OK.”
Each time you say, “I feel (worried) and that’s OK,” you’re acknowledging the emotion and having less worried thoughts. You’re not saying that the thing you’re worrying about is OK, just that it’s okay that you are feeling worried. Feeling worried (or any other emotion) is normal.
Take a breath after saying the phrase.
You can repeat this step with different emotions such as: “I feel nervous and that’s OK.”

Notice That You’re Breathing.

You can keep feeling your emotions, just notice that you’re also breathing.

Rest your hand(s) on your chest or above your heart.
Feel that you are breathing.
On the inhale feel your chest rise and ribs expand. On the exhale feel your ribs relax.
Focusing on the rising and relaxing allows you to naturally start breathing in a deeper rhythm. No extra effort is needed. Just notice that you are breathing.
You are feeling your emotions and breathing at the same time.

Rest Your Mind on a Word (REST).

This can be supportive as you fall asleep.

If your mind is racing as you lay in bed, give it a simple focus—such as the word “rest.” You can also choose another word that feels soothing for you to say.
Repeat the word slowly and gently.
Each time you say “rest,” you give your mind something to focus on, helping to quiet the mental chatter. Allowing thoughts to rest can encourage the body to rest too.
When choosing a word, it’s good to know that vowel sounds and a long ssss sound can feel calming to the brain and nervous system.
Let the rhythmic repetition lull your mind and body toward relaxation.

Relaxing Backstroke Movement with Arms and Shoulders

Reach your arms straight out in front of you, palms touching.
Turn your hands so the backs of your hands touch each other.
Let your hands float up as far as it is comfortable, maybe above your head or up above your forehead.
Relax— let your shoulders relax down.
Let your arms float back down to the sides of your body. It’s as if you are doing a pleasant backstroke motion.
Take easy, swimming-like breaths as you relax into a few more backstrokes.

These are practices that you can do yourself or share with other children or adults in your life. These practices are part of a larger body of work called the Power of Ease which is a healing-centered and developmental approach for stress relief and to address and mitigate the impacts of trauma, digital devices, and a seated culture. You can learn more about practices like these at EmbodyLearning.org and PowerofEaseKeys.com.